Jan 9th Day 3: ED SMASHED

Jan 9^th

B-fast

Well they sent up the wrong thing and too much eggs so I am definitely not feeling comfortable eating at all. I think I am definitely going to restrict rest of the day because I am so pissed about this. I know, I know…how disordered is that. It’s just already been a long day and I am struggling so so so bad. And honestly for a suprising reason. It’s because I woke up RAVENOUS and feeling THINNER, yes I said THINNER than yesterday. Took pic of eggs and will be showing nutritionist, because this is not okay.

Lunch

Well I met with doc (and yes I did 100% b-fast and boy am I glad I did). Guess what, guess what? I LOST. That’s right. ED was wrong, I can trust my team. Even with greasy chicken, TWO things of bread, fatty popcorn and the HUGE oatmeal and me not measuring things and TEAS all of it…all of it and I LOST! And even had to practically lick the plate. OMG and had omelette. I ate normal foods. I ate normal and I LOST weight. I am so thrilled. Yes, yes, I know it’s bad to lose, but maybe I am at the weight I wanted to be and maybe, just maybe I can eat again.

The thing is I am still terrified. Because I am sitting here at lunch, the fish looks fatty and there is RICE….WHITE RICE….and too much cantaloupe. It’s this trusting other people with my portionings I don’t like. But hey, another thing to look forward to outside of here…I can measure my own stuff. SO SO SO SO SO excited. And my team is being so open and honest with me about my weight trends. I feel here they truly meet me where I am. I wish they would push me a little more with some things, but can talk to nutritionist on Mon about those things. And also….well…I need to learn to push myself. Oh, and I am not leaving this week as I wanted to. Well time to do the dirty and eat….excited to see if I can lose again tomorrow (think a lot of it was just poop weight and so tomorrow will gain).

I am just so excited for the potential of a future! A realy future. One where I can just eat and not worry. Can’t wait to mark off some fear foods today.

This has also taught me to take it meal by meal. I was already planning to restrict today when today hadn’t even started. And yet I woke up feeling less and therefore not wanting to restrict. Time to start embracing the power of the moment and the peace of prayer.

Dinner

Well a fear food dinner…all for dad and for future, because definitely could see as real meal. Turkey and hummus on flatbread (FEAR FOODS) with side watermelon and a sprite zero and apple spice tea to drink (FEAR DRINKS). I mean this seems so normal and like something I can incorporate in my future.

I am also so so so mad at myself because I am still using such ED behaviors, still convinced I am not sick, and not embracing I am. Almost wish I was still having complications (though they making it seem like those will come as I re-feed) OR that I was being treated more sick  instead of all my vitals being good and all these priveleges given. Granted the only reason not treated so fragile because they know here how to treat chronic anorexics like me so don’t have to put us on wheelchairs, tubes, etc or treat us as severely.

I  mean still they use infant cuff on me, check sugars all the time, monitory labs constantly, and limit my standing. So maybe…I mean maybe I am sick. But its fact given every privilege I ask for that I am not feeling or embracing sick. And things got so better so fast after started doing 100% feel I really wasn’t that sick. And I wsih I was because I want to embrace it and use this one chance to fully embrace rest and recovery. Choose all fear foods, stop food rituals, and not force self to stand…yet I just can’t because I feel so healthy and good. Is it bad that I am praying complications come. Yes, yes it is. But I feel if they don’t. If I don’t feel like shit again soon….I am going to leave here, lapse, and come back sicker just because won’t ever feel am sick enough. But what will sick enough be. I mean sugars when I arrived were sick enough. I am sick enough to not be accepted at any other treatment center. And to jump a waiting list and even insurance coverage just to come. Crazy how quick I forget struggling to walk up steps and praying would survive. But I did forget it and I do feel better and that is causing me to not embraceI am sick.

I just want to rest…to truly see I can rest, lead normal life (ie only stand when need to and do approved exercise), eat whatever want and be okay. Any suggestions be appreciated.

Snack

Terrified by the calories in this snack won’t lie and of course chose it for next few days. Not felt as hungry today and haven’t stood as much tonight. I am just worn out and exhausted if I’m honest. Trying to recover while desperately clinging to my eatng disorder is exhausting and miserable. Just want to let go and trust but when I close my eyes to take the leap of faith….and I count to 3…my feet are still planted and I haven’t jumped. At least I did 100% today. I guess for now that can be okay. Too exhausted to even vent. Night.

Jan 8th DAY 2 ACUTE (first day 100%)

Jan 8th ACUTE DAY 2

Promised nutritionist to trust her through this weekend. No, didn’t wake up feeling this way, but after feeling like crap again today, realizing mom leaves tomorrow….I have to get better and I have to get home. That only comes through 100%. That only comes through learning to recover here, so I can do it at home. That only comes through doing enough work here that I don’t need residential. That only comes through trust. So for me, for recovery, and for my family, I am giving it this weekend.

People are right, right now I can’t recover at home, but I can learn how to here. Otherwise, another 3 month span without family, without friends, without freedom. Or I learn, I trust, and I do it at home. But I have to fully embrace and commit.

And yes, that may come with uneasy weight gain, but again….I need it and if I can’t do it here, I can’t do it outside of here either. And I have to do it. I have to get home.

Snack time

Well was feeling good, confident….was even hungry for lunch and snack. And lunch didn’t seem as overwhelming….just egg white omeltte, one slice toast, and cantaloupe. Plus was excited for mom to visit…then came snack. Ordered plain popcorn thinking be safe…then saw damn nutrition facts….160 calories, 12g fat. What am I stupid. Well will do 100% today, but not so sure about commitment to nutritionist for this weekend. May be rescending that. Plus found out insurance won’t be covering at 100%,  just at 80/20%.

Well did 100%, not happy but realized I can just go back restricting tomorrow, but at this point ate way too many cals to turn back. Then again, told nutritionist till Monday….and could see if I gain (she is saying I won’t) just sucks have to wait till Mon, but then can always go back to restricting right? I don’t know guys, I don’t know, but at least today can fake it. And no one here will know. Plus promised a good friend and my mom….but would like insight…give weekend? Or just go back restricting and try again Mon.

Dinner

Well just reassurance to people that the anxiety will pass. I decided can just ask doc about weight tomorrow. Doing 100% today to try. Plus they accidentally sent me TWO caffeinated drinks and dinner looks healthy and normal. Grilled chciekn, watermelon, saltine crackers, bun. Okay okay it was essentially a sandwich, but I don’t eat it like that.  AND they forgot my lettuce and tomato slices. But idk this reminds me of what dad would make on nice summers day, or what mom and I may have one day sitting outside rocking on porch. I am going to ask if they will let me journal during meals. That would be very helpful for me and be what I will be doing at home. Love you all.

Snack

Amazing how tides turn again. Word to the wise….NEVER admit (unless life-threatening or emergency or no choice as in my case) so close to the weekend. Not smart to eat 100% the day before there is no nutritionist there to reassure you the next day you didn’t gain exorbitant amount of weight as is now my fear. But maybe I will wake up different. ALSO had to choose meal plan for whole entire weekend today and would choose different now that know the calorie counts on crap. Well learned lesson and looking up calorie counts on all the snacks tonight. Anyway, in the meantime having to finish 100% tonight which SUCKS! I mean partly no, but partly yes.Not only that but vitals already better, saw really sick girl in hallway who had feeding tube (I never have needed one…..well never accepted one so makes me feel not sick or deserving enough). Anyway, here is where this leaves me.

I figure can go back to fasting tomorrow. Problem is, nutritionist has me on really big breakfast now, so if I eat bfast it means I’m screwed when comes to restricting (ie have to do very low that night). So feel cornered and trapped and like I have to make the decision tonight. To restrict or not to restrict tomorrow, because can’t do b-fast and get good restriction in (if find out after b-fast I have gained tons of weight after 100%), but also can’t skip b-fast and get 100% tomorrow. So either I start out failing my ED (yes I realize this is better option recovery wise) or failing at recovery. I don’t know, writing it out I think I am going to have to just suck it up, do b-fast, wait for doc, and restrict rest of day. Would probably also help with blood sugars so don’t have surprise juice in day.

See, had I admitted earlier in the week would have dietitian here to support me tomorrow, of course guess the weekend and the uncertainty would still come. Plus would still get increase on the weekend. I mean my dietitian really, really doesn’t think I am going to gain on this low intake, but I really, really think (and know) I am and I don’t want to wait till Mon to fast again because then treatment team can intervene and do tube. I don’t know I am so confused and so scared. So I guess..I guess all I can do is ask for support and prayer. Especially if you have ever been at ACUTE and have experience with the meal plan.

So here is my questions

(1) Is better option just to commit to 100% b-fast and then can still choose to restrict rest of day, or to just restrict at b-fast make it easier throughout day.

(2) Do I give it till Monday and then give self option to go back to restricting (if nutritionist wrong), or go ahead and get my last restriction in this weekend when they can’t shove tube down me (no nutritionist here wouldn’t know), an re-commit Monday.

Here is my other problem…there’s always going to be weekends.  Always going to be times I just have to trust and won’t know what weight did. There is also always going to be mornings. Will never see dietitian before b-fast so I am either always going to have to restrict b-fast (ie never comply) OR I am going to need to start always doing 100% b-fast and making other decisions later (ie take one meal at a time).

Also, if I get so desperate to know weight….and start to try and force team to tell me my weight or trends…won’t they be less likely to do it? I mean because if it’s just going to cause me to restrict any time they say it went up, then they might get less likely to tell me. It’s like the saying goes….you win more flies with honey than vinegar. I mean I am more likely to get doc to tell me weight trend if I start by saying…."Look I was terrified, but I did b-fast. I complied, I just need to know what’s going on or I really don’t think I can keep it up. I just need reassurance right now” Instead of “Look I restricted this morning because you wouldn’t get in here and tell me my weight didn’t balloon. So next time get here quicker just for me and ED.”

Okay I think I talked…well typed myself into right thinking. I think will try at least to do b-fast and can change it rest of day. Thanks everyone, would still like your insight though.

P.S. Plus wouldn't it be better to be able to come on here Monday saying, I faced my fear guys. I faced it for all of you. I gave food, gave recovery, gave freedom a chance and didn't balloon, than to come on here tomorrow saying...well I proved everyone right and went back to ED? 

New Journey: ACUTE Day 1

Jan 7 ACUTE Day One

Was going to write this in my journal, and still might, but it’s such a positive post and thoughts streaming so much, figured make a great first blog entry to new journey.

So due to anorexia finally taking it’s toll, I have moved my treatment to Denver ACUTE in Denver, Colorado to begin refeeding, and today is day one. I am hoping to blog every day as I go through this journey to give insight into the highs and lows of treatment. Did I want to accomplish this outpatient, yes. But honestly right now that is a risk to my life.

Today I met with dietitian and I can say this is the first time in treatment I actually, truly trust her. I mean she laid it to me straight. Was blunt that at 72.6 lbs and BMI 11.4 I really am sick. Also, found out there was a waiting list of 11 people which I jumped ahead of. So all this chatter in my head telling me I don’t deserve to be here, is complete BS.

Then came facing the menus and meals. She was honest that she was starting me on low calories (think I will ask her amount tomorrow), but for me it’s set up as exchanges. What reassured me was actually when she had to add to my exchanges because I was too low in cals. She let me know she is monitoring cals. I guess when she puts it in computer, it calculates my calories for the day. She reassured me she won’t let me go under, but wont let me go over calories either. Everything is very closely monitored because of my condition. Knowing she was actually tracking calories made me feel more free to choose exchanges, and I was shocked as she still had to add more exchanges even though I chose what I truly wanted.

I also had to face the fact everything right now is a fear food. Literally there was not one safe item on the menu. But yet, I am excited about that because she is pushing me to face them, not just go with my typical safe things. And I am being completely open and honest with her.

I will admit ED got to me a bit today. I kind of used the excuse I didn’t have to do 100% today to not do it. But still it was nice to sit with the foods. I was planning to not do 100% tomorrow either because my weight was up today, but then I realized what am I doing? I mean, this is my money I actually spent this time and I am wasting my money if I am sitting here not complying. Plus, if I truly want to see if she is wrong about my body, if I really don’t need all this food, and if I want to see if I can eat and can embrace these foods, I have to just do it. I have to jump in, I have to trust she is right, and I have to just see. Risk being wrong, for chance I may be right.

Plus, hearing testimonies from people that weight gain really is slow here and also hearing from the dietitian my cals are low and weight restoration usually doesn’t happen till closer to 2500 calories, made me feel maybe I could give this a shot. I just finally feel I am somewhere who understands how severe my case is, how terrified of weight gain I am, and is meeting me where I am at.

With that said….I think I may try 100% tomorrow. Or at least until I meet with dietitian, then can vent all my fears to her and let her know I really, really don’t trust this. I also have to be honest that seeing 100% makes me feel like failure and somehow I still have pride in getting away with not eating. I know it’s ED but it’s just so hard.

But at this point, I can’t leave here till I am eating. And I want to go home, not residential after this (plus don’t have the money for that) and only way to prove that is possible is to eat 100%. And I really do trust the dietitian and think she will tell me if I start to have crazy rapid weight gain. Okay…wish me luck tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow will do 100% for my mom (her last day here) and for early b-day gift for dad (his b-day would be a week from tomorrow), and maybe a little for me….and the future I want. Wish me luck. Guess one day can’t hurt.

Oh and one other thought having that is helping me. If I gain this little bit of weight, and really can’t stand it, and go home…then if I am honest I know how to lose it. It wouldn’t be that hard. I can always go back to what I was doing. But right now, here, supported at ACUTE….its my only shot to trying something different. My only shot to see another life, and if my worst fears come true….then I can lose the weight. But what if they don’t, what if I see weight gain okay, recovery okay…and I don’t want to lose the weight. That is my one shot at freedom. I think that one shot is worth the risk of hating the weight gain and having to restrict and lose it. I can risk a little weight for a chance to be free (plus most people I hear only gain like 6 lbs here…2lbs a week).

Dec 16: Faith over Fear

Wow! God continues to amaze me every day. Today on a shift I wasn’t even suppose to work He

showed me so much. It was really dead, I felt miserable, and after 3 hours had only made 20 dollars. I felt defeated and scared. I tried to reassure myself everything would be okay, but got pulled into co-workers sense of defeat. Then…its like something went off in my head. What was I doing? I was stuck here till the end of my shift, so I might as well enjoy it. How was I living out my faith in God by being so money focused and not trusting Him. So I lifted the shift to God and got back to work.

Next thing I know I am sat a party of 10 which I make 15 dollars off of, then got slammed with tables, and at end of night ended up exceeding my goal coming in. Was it in my timing or the way I would have wanted? No. Did it involve fear? Yes. But did I push through the fear and trust God over feelings and circumstances? Yes. And what happened. He came through as always.

Why, after time and time again God comes through do I doubt His mercy and love. Not just in shifts. But in life, in school, in recovery. I doubt the Truth of His word, His goodness, His mercy for someone as undeserving as me. And yet He continues to come through.

So at end of night I said screw it. Screw fear. Screw ED. Screw living life in misery. I want to trust

Him. In the fear. In the storms. In the joy. In the sunshine. The ups, the downs, the in-between, I want to put my faith in Him. So I came home, and with the same fear that filled me every night, faced my meal plan. But this time it was different…because above the fear…I had faith. I had trust. I chose to look to Him instead of to my feelings. To put my hope in faith, instead of my doubts in fear. I chose God. I chose hope. I chose life. I chose me. And I felt peace.

I don’t know what tomorrow may bring. I don’t know if my faith will be as strong. But for right now, for today, for this moment, I praise God. I praise His mercy, His love, His faith, and the strength He so freely gives. Thank you Lord, and help me stand in your truth for the moments, days, and years to come. I want to serve You, trust You, and make You proud.

Jess

Dec 6th: Binge on Freedom

Dec 6^th The Binge on Freedom       

Well one of the things I worst fear happened tonight. I was putting away groceries and a roll fell down from my bread area and all the sudden I wanted to shove it in my mouth. I had only had ½ cup fiber one so far because of my fear of day eating and all I wanted was to shove the forbidden roll in my mouth. Followed by tortillas, bagels…bread of any and every kind. Maybe even a cupcake too, or cookies. I just really, truly wanted to binge.

Usually this terrifies me. It makes me want to restrict even more, but tonight….was a different perspective. I longed for the freedom it would take to allow myself to binge. I felt the guilty pride and excitement I would feel being able to just let go. Just eat. Everything I wanted. I even started to wonder in my mind if I could not eat for a few days just for the chance to be able to. I won’t, but the desire was there. And I know why.

Because I so want to be free. I want to be able to not measure and weigh all my food. I want to fully trust exchanges, not put some calorie cap on them. I want to eat whatever, build meals like I used to love to dream of doing in inpatient. I want to be able to eat whatever fruit or veggie I want. I just want to be free.

 

And that’s what a binge would be. It would break every single ED rule and being unashamed,

uncontrolled eating. I think mostly I’d want to do it just to see if I could eat anything I wanted and not gain. Of course, I realize binging isn’t a good way to do that. Its just going back to the ED that started it all. But at least binge eating disorder felt more free. Because in my binges I felt this unabandoned freedom where I could eat whatever I wanted and no one, not even myself, could stop me. I felt so free.

Now I feel so trapped. Food has been robbed of its pleasure and is just something I must measure and control because I am undeserving. I have become but a slave to food. Everything must be weighed, measured, and carefully planned. And I hate it.

And the frustrating part is I am the only one making me do this. I am the only one requiring everything to be weighed. I am the only one selecting the same foods every day. I am the only one forcing myself to see how long I can go without food. And I am the only one who can set me free.

Everyone else would love me to just eat freely. To not weigh food, just measure it. To trust exchanges over calories. To be able to eat out with them, or just eat with them period. Heck, my nutritionist may even say it would be a good thing if I let myself binge. But it’s me that’s holding me back….and when you are your worst enemy getting better seems impossible.

I’m not asking myself to change dramatically either. I just want simple things. To eat a roll as 2 starches even though high calorie and low fiber. To eat a whole banana as a fruit. To eat an apple without cutting it so small. To tae what my nutritionist says as truth and act on it.

Right now I am motivated to do so, and I think right now I will plan tomorrow to be my test run day of freedom. This means:

·      If I weigh fruit, no matter weight eat it at that size as one fruit

·      To allow myself FULL portions if I weigh things out

·      To eat what I want to fit exchanges

·      To make a list of foods I would love to reincorporate

Here’s to freedom….and to use the same restriction I use to obey ED to instead starve him of his power. God is stronger, I am stronger, and I will recover.