Nov 24th: Let the Journey Begin
So today it hit again, my rock bottom with ED. Got email setting up meeting for internship after I got failing grades for midterms. I am not a student who fails. I am not a student teachers have to meet about. That isn’t me. It’s never been me. I feel like such a stranger of who I once was.
I was diligent. Ahead of schedule. Got to be early. At class early. Overachiever. I was the student no one had to worry about and now I am the student who may fail.
This caused me to hit rock bottom. ED did this. Nothing else. ED made me eat late, live on no food during the day and eating all intake at night. I was exhausted and couldn’t give to cliens. I lost me. I couldn’t connect to them and provide the empathy they need because I was a shell of a person.
I wish Jess had been in those therapy rooms, not the shell of misery ED left behind. Jss….the one of two years ago….she was a natural born therapist. She was outgoing, energetic, driven. I want her back. I want that joy back. And I am going to get her back, I just hope it’s not too late.
If I fail field, I will be dismissed from the program. ED will have his final victory and my dream will be gone. Forever. ED will have ruined my future and that just can’t happen.
So what does this mean. Eating earlier. Eating during day. Getting back to me. But also….gaining weight. Yes….people will notice. It’s going to happen, but people notice how emaciated I am now so it’s no different. Except, as people finally see me gain weight (which I hope they will be proud of and not see as weakness as ED says will), it will be a testimony to God. People will wonder what, after 17 years, changed. What, after 9 years of this being my ideal, allows me to break free of fear and gain weight. And the answer will be God.
Part of me wants to go somewhere to do this. Run back to the solace of residential or IP, but I know that is partly ED too. Because I want someone else to do it for me. I want someone else to save me. I want the easy way out where people make the food, the decisions, everything. Where my people pleasing takes over and I easily get back to my old self because I am forced to. But then when I discharge, that leaves the still scared, still immature, still lacking responsibility me.
Tonight I took some good first steps by opening up to someone about this and also by eating earlier. Additionally, I have an appointment tomorrow and will be put on medications I have fought so long. IT’s time to take the help God has provided and give in. To let not just Christ be a part of my life, but my life be in Christ. Fully, completely, all aspects. He will set me free, if I just let Him
So I ask for love, support, and acceptance as I fight this uphill battle. Be there to support me in my victories, hold me in my fears, and accept me in my failures. I thank you all for your love.
P.S. I will be trying to blog every day, so I hope people will contact me and let me know I have their support and they are reading. I will blog reality. Not shiny, accepting recovery. But messy, freeing, beautiful disaster recovery. Tears, fears, joys, and laughs...it will all be here. I hope to provide hope, healing, and truth for others in this battle.