Pathway to Peace

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Nov 24th: Journey Begins

Nov 24th: Let the Journey Begin

So today it hit again, my rock bottom with ED. Got email setting up meeting for internship after I got failing grades for midterms. I am not a student who fails. I am not a student teachers have to meet about. That isn’t me. It’s never been me. I feel like such a stranger of who I once was.

I was diligent. Ahead of schedule. Got to be early. At class early. Overachiever. I was the student no one had to worry about and now I am the student who may fail.

This caused me to hit rock bottom. ED did this. Nothing else. ED made me eat late, live on no food during the day and eating all intake at night. I was exhausted and couldn’t give to cliens. I lost me. I couldn’t connect to them and provide the empathy they need because I was a shell of a person.

I wish Jess had been in those therapy rooms, not the shell of misery ED left behind. Jss….the one of two years ago….she was a natural born therapist. She was outgoing, energetic, driven. I want her back. I want that joy back. And I am going to get her back, I just hope it’s not too late.

If I fail field, I will be dismissed from the program. ED will have his final victory and my dream will be gone. Forever. ED will have ruined my future and that just can’t happen.

So what does this mean. Eating earlier. Eating during day. Getting back to me. But also….gaining weight. Yes….people will notice. It’s going to happen, but people notice how emaciated I am now so it’s no different. Except, as people finally see me gain weight (which I hope they will be proud of and not see as weakness as ED says will), it will be a testimony to God. People will wonder what, after 17 years, changed. What, after 9 years of this being my ideal, allows me to break free of fear and gain weight. And the answer will be God.

Part of me wants to go somewhere to do this. Run back to the solace of residential or IP, but I know that is partly ED too. Because I want someone else to do it for me. I want someone else to save me. I want the easy way out where people make the food, the decisions, everything. Where my people pleasing takes over and I easily get back to my old self because I am forced to. But then when I discharge, that leaves the still scared, still immature, still lacking responsibility me.

So it’s time I realize no one is going to save me….I have to save myself. Everyone says it’s
impossible….just like they will to the chronic clients I want to serve. But I know me. I know my fight. I know my God. I know my drive. I WILL DO THIS. AND I WILL TESTIFY THROUGH GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE. I will prove no person is a chronic case incapable of change. That everyone should be given a chane to do it for themselves. I will prove recovery is possible, not just to others, but also to myself.

Tonight I took some good first steps by opening up to someone about this and also by eating earlier. Additionally, I have an appointment tomorrow and will be put on medications I have fought so long. IT’s time to take the help God has provided and give in. To let not just Christ be a part of my life, but my life be in Christ. Fully, completely, all aspects. He will set me free, if I just let Him

So I ask for love, support, and acceptance as I fight this uphill battle. Be there to support me in my victories, hold me in my fears, and accept me in my failures. I thank you all for your love.


P.S. I will be trying to blog every day, so I hope people will contact me and let me know I have their support and they are reading. I will blog reality. Not shiny, accepting recovery. But messy, freeing, beautiful disaster recovery. Tears, fears, joys, and will all be here. I hope to provide hope, healing, and truth for others in this battle. 

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Nov 12th, 2015

I hope what has happened to me today and the realization I made will help someone else, which is why I am posting it here. Why I am being so raw, so vulnerable, and so revealing. So here goes.

I want you to make a list right now of all the things you use as excuses to keep ED by saying….”well yeah, ED took that, but this I can still do.” For example, see my ED isn’t bad because I still make good grades. Or my ED isn’t bad because I still have a good job. Go ahead, make the list. We all have them or we wouldn’t have ED.

Okay, you got it? Now want to see the list of the next things ED is going to rob you off…it’s right there in your hands. I promise you….anything you say your ED isn’t going to take from you. Or that you won’t let it get bad enough to impact…is exactly what you are about to lose.

I always said my ED wasn’t bad, despite how thin I got, because I was still an amazing worker. Then I lost a waitressing job because of how thin I was and because I couldn’t lift trays. But I blamed the manager.

Then I said ED was fine because I still could function physically. Then I started to fall asleep in class and while driving because I wasn’t eating during the day.  But I blamed my busy day schedule and drank energy drinks.

Then I said ED wasn’t bad because my school grades were still fine. Well the exhaustion made me be late for classes. I started procrastinating. And today, I found out I might not graduate. I’ve tried blaming everything else, but tonight…I’m accepting it’s ED.

ED has gotten my body to such an emaciated state and my brain to such a slowed functioning, clients picked up on it. They got scared for me so much so it impacted their ability to therapeutically heal with me as their therapist. Therefore, I was removed from groups. And because I am not getting the client training I need even more desperately than my colleagues because I come from an Animal Science background, my field doesn’t know if they can pass me this semester. If I don’t pass this semester, I fail this year, lose my assistantship, and thus my chance at getting a Master’s. One of the exact things I said would never happened. The exact thing I tried to protect from happening. Getting this Master’s is my dream…and I WILL NOT lose it. I refuse.

So I am done. No more excuses. No more reasons why I can miserably function while not fully fighting my ED. Or reasons I can put off the weight gain that has to happen. I’m done. I’m over this. I want to be free and I NEED ED to go. And I can’t do it the “easy way.” I can’t hide away in treatment, escape life, and escape the eyes of others; gain the weight; and come out able to pretend to be magically better while still going crazy inside. That’s not an option because again I lose assistantship and Master’s.

Nope, I got to do it the hard way. With everyone watching, with life happening, making my own daily choice to fight. That’s my reality. This is where my ED has gotten me. Either I do this outpatient, or I lose my dream and my will to fight.

So it’s time. I’ve beyond crashed through my rock bottom. I was never scared of dying from ED, but was always scared of losing my dream. Now that just might happen and I refuse to let it.

So am I still scared? Was ED still screaming as I chose to sit down instead of pace. Were tears and
fear still welling up as I chose to slather PB on my bagel. Yes. Yes…that was still happening. Nothing was easier. But tonight, I let things be terrifying, scary, and feel overwhelming. I let myself feel the tantalizing fear that all of this food was too much and I would get too fat….and I did the right thing anyway. Because that’s recovery. Recovery isn’t easy and it isn’t pretty, but it’s a heck of a lot better than the misery of ED and it’s a Hell of a lot better than losing the dream I so desperately desire.

So please, learn from me. Stop now. Stop before those things ED hasn’t taken from you get snatched from you. Look at that list you made. You want me to give you the list of the reasons you need to fight ED NOW. Not tomorrow, not next meal, not even the next second but RIGHT NOW. IT’s right there in your hands. I mean what are you waiting for. Are you waiting to lose those things. Please, for my sake, for your sake….don’t let it get there. Learn from me. Let my loss be a lesson..and Fight. You can do this. You will do this. I just hope it won’t be when it’s too late. Because once everything on your list is gone, the sad reality is…you will be the next thing ED takes.

WE can do this. Feel free to email me if you need more support. For me, the next concrete steps are adding back the two exchanges I need to get back on my full meal plan and to force myself to eat earlier in the day, even if it is just with one snack to start. We CAN and we WILL do this. 

I love you all,


Monday, November 9, 2015

Nov 9th: Journey Begins

Nov 9, 2015
            Today I got some devastating news. I had to face the fact my ED is costing me my dream. I found out during the week I was gone for the conference, my supervisor asked for the groups reflections on me as a co-therapist. Come to find out they felt I was judgmental of them and worried about me because of my frail nature. They felt I was one person when Andy was in the room and another when I was alone. This is true, because alone I was more scared to mess up, be seen as a fake, and somehow my disorder come to light.
            My instructor decided it best to pull me out of groups and put me in administration for now. This broke my heart and my spirit. To realize this disorder and my fear of gaining weight could now be robbing me of the potential to accomplish my dream of becoming a therapist…I just I can’t let it happen.
            I am scared but have decided to use this as motivation to get better. Heck, with the anniversary of dad’s death a week from Friday maybe it’s the perfect honor to him. All I know is something has to change. I am terrified to gain weight, but am even more terrified to let this disorder rob me of my dream.
            There is a lot stirring through my head. Can I recover outpatient? What will people think as I gain? If I had to take time off I would lose my assistantship and couldn’t finish my education, but if I keep on at frail weight I can’t get training I need actually doing therapy.
            I have never failed at anything in my life and now feel ED is making me fail. I have become someone who struggles. Someone who people worry about. I have lost my ability and strength others once saw.
            I want Jess back. I want back the girl who people laughed around. I want back the girl who had a zest for life. I want back the girl who lived so freely, nothing and no one could hold her back. Who explored her passions. Who spent time with others. The girl others knew they could always count on and who was seen as the top star. The girl who others didn’t have to worry about. Who teachers and professionals would say: “Out of everyone here, I know I don’t have to worry about you.” I want her back. I want to be able to make my own decisions, not have others hesitancies about me make the decisions for me. I want me back. I want to be free.
            So I am terrified but it’s time. I need to decide whether I let thin hold me back, or whether I let this misery come to an end and fight. Only I can decide. And tonight I choose to be free. One day at a time. Let the journey begin.


Monday, November 2, 2015

Nov 2nd: Own Worst Enemy

Nov 2, 2015

Well put on my big girl panties today. Realized I am letting my selfish desire to be right and passively aggressively hurt others hurt me. Case in point, meal timing.

See, I don’ like feeing like I am bullied into a situation, but I almost make people do it. I find something that irks them and self-sabotage myself into doing it. Current roommates. I know they hate that I eat late and yet I keep eating later and later. I realized today it’s a subconscious way I like to show myself I still have control. By doing something that hurts someone else, getting them mad at me, then refusing to change it I feel I somehow have power. They can’t hurt me or force me to do anything. But in the end, I just hurt myself. They go on living and I go on in misery with maladaptive behaviors I don’t like and with people mad at me. So in the end, I have no control and am just miserable.

Accepting my responsibility in this and realizing it’s okay and understandable I do it given my trauma history, I now see I am the only one who can change it. If I fix my meal timing will my current roommates, despite how mean they are, get their way. Yes. Does that piss me off? Heck yes. But will I also be happier…yes. And in the end that needs to be more important. It’s hard to put me first especially if an enemy benefits, but in the end right now they are getting their way making me miserable. And so what if they feel they forced me to do it. So what if they feel victorious. In the end, I will know it was my conscious choice and desire to better my life that led to the change.

So I think it’s time I take the focus off of them and them getting their way (which just makes me not want to change it) and realize my team, family, friends are all right too. The timing issue is at the root of a lot of my problems. So while eating earlier scares me, it’s also the thing I need to change most. Yes. I can try and blame work, school, stress…whatever I want for my misery, but it’s really timing. Let’s see:

  1. I want to get more sleep. Fix timing can get to bed earlier and sleep more.
  2. I want to be more active. Fix timing and will be up earlier so could go to gym or on walk in the morning.
  3. I want to do better in classes and get back to the person I was before who was ahead on assignments. I am more focused in morning than at night. If up earlier can work on items and with more sleep will have more energy and focus to work ahead.
  4. I want to be more social. Most people aren’t up at the wee hours of the morning. They are sleeping. If I am sleeping too, and am up and done with work because I worked ahead and not stressing about needing to shove everything in at night I will be able to go and do things with people.
  5. I want people, including myself, to see me as “normal.If eating earlier will be more normal and feel more normal.
  6.   I want a happier living space. If roomates get way then will be happier and leave me alone.
  7. Want to be back to nice, organized, clean self. If up earlier can actually clean because wont be late and disturbing people.
  8. Want to have faster metabolism. Spreading meals out will help fuel and speed up my metabolism.
  9. Want to enjoy food again…though it scares me. Eating earlier and more spread apart I can take my time. Though this may cause me to have to face how I really am still hungry, that my meal plan is small, and perhaps some behaviors I have, it will also help me enjoy meals again.
  10.  I want to be happy. As seen above this eating late makes me miserable.

So it’s time I suck it up, put my big girl panties on, stop trying to be right, and stand up for myself. Will my mean roommmates get their way, yes they will. But I will be happier if they are happier. And heck, when Jesus was crucified the Romans got their way….but three days later a whole world of believers were set free and God had victory. So if my roommmates have to feel they “won” for me to be free….so be it. Here comes victory!