Dec 16: Faith over Fear

Wow! God continues to amaze me every day. Today on a shift I wasn’t even suppose to work He

showed me so much. It was really dead, I felt miserable, and after 3 hours had only made 20 dollars. I felt defeated and scared. I tried to reassure myself everything would be okay, but got pulled into co-workers sense of defeat. Then…its like something went off in my head. What was I doing? I was stuck here till the end of my shift, so I might as well enjoy it. How was I living out my faith in God by being so money focused and not trusting Him. So I lifted the shift to God and got back to work.

Next thing I know I am sat a party of 10 which I make 15 dollars off of, then got slammed with tables, and at end of night ended up exceeding my goal coming in. Was it in my timing or the way I would have wanted? No. Did it involve fear? Yes. But did I push through the fear and trust God over feelings and circumstances? Yes. And what happened. He came through as always.

Why, after time and time again God comes through do I doubt His mercy and love. Not just in shifts. But in life, in school, in recovery. I doubt the Truth of His word, His goodness, His mercy for someone as undeserving as me. And yet He continues to come through.

So at end of night I said screw it. Screw fear. Screw ED. Screw living life in misery. I want to trust

Him. In the fear. In the storms. In the joy. In the sunshine. The ups, the downs, the in-between, I want to put my faith in Him. So I came home, and with the same fear that filled me every night, faced my meal plan. But this time it was different…because above the fear…I had faith. I had trust. I chose to look to Him instead of to my feelings. To put my hope in faith, instead of my doubts in fear. I chose God. I chose hope. I chose life. I chose me. And I felt peace.

I don’t know what tomorrow may bring. I don’t know if my faith will be as strong. But for right now, for today, for this moment, I praise God. I praise His mercy, His love, His faith, and the strength He so freely gives. Thank you Lord, and help me stand in your truth for the moments, days, and years to come. I want to serve You, trust You, and make You proud.

Jess

Dec 6th: Binge on Freedom

Dec 6^th The Binge on Freedom       

Well one of the things I worst fear happened tonight. I was putting away groceries and a roll fell down from my bread area and all the sudden I wanted to shove it in my mouth. I had only had ½ cup fiber one so far because of my fear of day eating and all I wanted was to shove the forbidden roll in my mouth. Followed by tortillas, bagels…bread of any and every kind. Maybe even a cupcake too, or cookies. I just really, truly wanted to binge.

Usually this terrifies me. It makes me want to restrict even more, but tonight….was a different perspective. I longed for the freedom it would take to allow myself to binge. I felt the guilty pride and excitement I would feel being able to just let go. Just eat. Everything I wanted. I even started to wonder in my mind if I could not eat for a few days just for the chance to be able to. I won’t, but the desire was there. And I know why.

Because I so want to be free. I want to be able to not measure and weigh all my food. I want to fully trust exchanges, not put some calorie cap on them. I want to eat whatever, build meals like I used to love to dream of doing in inpatient. I want to be able to eat whatever fruit or veggie I want. I just want to be free.

 

And that’s what a binge would be. It would break every single ED rule and being unashamed,

uncontrolled eating. I think mostly I’d want to do it just to see if I could eat anything I wanted and not gain. Of course, I realize binging isn’t a good way to do that. Its just going back to the ED that started it all. But at least binge eating disorder felt more free. Because in my binges I felt this unabandoned freedom where I could eat whatever I wanted and no one, not even myself, could stop me. I felt so free.

Now I feel so trapped. Food has been robbed of its pleasure and is just something I must measure and control because I am undeserving. I have become but a slave to food. Everything must be weighed, measured, and carefully planned. And I hate it.

And the frustrating part is I am the only one making me do this. I am the only one requiring everything to be weighed. I am the only one selecting the same foods every day. I am the only one forcing myself to see how long I can go without food. And I am the only one who can set me free.

Everyone else would love me to just eat freely. To not weigh food, just measure it. To trust exchanges over calories. To be able to eat out with them, or just eat with them period. Heck, my nutritionist may even say it would be a good thing if I let myself binge. But it’s me that’s holding me back….and when you are your worst enemy getting better seems impossible.

I’m not asking myself to change dramatically either. I just want simple things. To eat a roll as 2 starches even though high calorie and low fiber. To eat a whole banana as a fruit. To eat an apple without cutting it so small. To tae what my nutritionist says as truth and act on it.

Right now I am motivated to do so, and I think right now I will plan tomorrow to be my test run day of freedom. This means:

·      If I weigh fruit, no matter weight eat it at that size as one fruit

·      To allow myself FULL portions if I weigh things out

·      To eat what I want to fit exchanges

·      To make a list of foods I would love to reincorporate

Here’s to freedom….and to use the same restriction I use to obey ED to instead starve him of his power. God is stronger, I am stronger, and I will recover.

Nov 24th: Journey Begins

Nov 24^th: Let the Journey Begin

So today it hit again, my rock bottom with ED. Got email setting up meeting for internship after I got failing grades for midterms. I am not a student who fails. I am not a student teachers have to meet about. That isn’t me. It’s never been me. I feel like such a stranger of who I once was.

I was diligent. Ahead of schedule. Got to be early. At class early. Overachiever. I was the student no one had to worry about and now I am the student who may fail.

This caused me to hit rock bottom. ED did this. Nothing else. ED made me eat late, live on no food during the day and eating all intake at night. I was exhausted and couldn’t give to cliens. I lost me. I couldn’t connect to them and provide the empathy they need because I was a shell of a person.

I wish Jess had been in those therapy rooms, not the shell of misery ED left behind. Jss….the one of two years ago….she was a natural born therapist. She was outgoing, energetic, driven. I want her back. I want that joy back. And I am going to get her back, I just hope it’s not too late.

If I fail field, I will be dismissed from the program. ED will have his final victory and my dream will be gone. Forever. ED will have ruined my future and that just can’t happen.

So what does this mean. Eating earlier. Eating during day. Getting back to me. But also….gaining weight. Yes….people will notice. It’s going to happen, but people notice how emaciated I am now so it’s no different. Except, as people finally see me gain weight (which I hope they will be proud of and not see as weakness as ED says will), it will be a testimony to God. People will wonder what, after 17 years, changed. What, after 9 years of this being my ideal, allows me to break free of fear and gain weight. And the answer will be God.

Part of me wants to go somewhere to do this. Run back to the solace of residential or IP, but I know that is partly ED too. Because I want someone else to do it for me. I want someone else to save me. I want the easy way out where people make the food, the decisions, everything. Where my people pleasing takes over and I easily get back to my old self because I am forced to. But then when I discharge, that leaves the still scared, still immature, still lacking responsibility me.

So it’s time I realize no one is going to save me….I have to save myself. Everyone says it’s

impossible….just like they will to the chronic clients I want to serve. But I know me. I know my fight. I know my God. I know my drive. I WILL DO THIS. AND I WILL TESTIFY THROUGH GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE. I will prove no person is a chronic case incapable of change. That everyone should be given a chane to do it for themselves. I will prove recovery is possible, not just to others, but also to myself.

Tonight I took some good first steps by opening up to someone about this and also by eating earlier. Additionally, I have an appointment tomorrow and will be put on medications I have fought so long. IT’s time to take the help God has provided and give in. To let not just Christ be a part of my life, but my life be in Christ. Fully, completely, all aspects. He will set me free, if I just let Him

So I ask for love, support, and acceptance as I fight this uphill battle. Be there to support me in my victories, hold me in my fears, and accept me in my failures. I thank you all for your love.

Jess

P.S. I will be trying to blog every day, so I hope people will contact me and let me know I have their support and they are reading. I will blog reality. Not shiny, accepting recovery. But messy, freeing, beautiful disaster recovery. Tears, fears, joys, and laughs...it will all be here. I hope to provide hope, healing, and truth for others in this battle. 

Nov 12^th, 2015

I hope what has happened to me today and the realization I made will help someone else, which is why I am posting it here. Why I am being so raw, so vulnerable, and so revealing. So here goes.

I want you to make a list right now of all the things you use as excuses to keep ED by saying….”well yeah, ED took that, but this I can still do.” For example, see my ED isn’t bad because I still make good grades. Or my ED isn’t bad because I still have a good job. Go ahead, make the list. We all have them or we wouldn’t have ED.

Okay, you got it? Now want to see the list of the next things ED is going to rob you off…it’s right there in your hands. I promise you….anything you say your ED isn’t going to take from you. Or that you won’t let it get bad enough to impact…is exactly what you are about to lose.

I always said my ED wasn’t bad, despite how thin I got, because I was still an amazing worker. Then I lost a waitressing job because of how thin I was and because I couldn’t lift trays. But I blamed the manager.

Then I said ED was fine because I still could function physically. Then I started to fall asleep in class and while driving because I wasn’t eating during the day.  But I blamed my busy day schedule and drank energy drinks.

Then I said ED wasn’t bad because my school grades were still fine. Well the exhaustion made me be late for classes. I started procrastinating. And today, I found out I might not graduate. I’ve tried blaming everything else, but tonight…I’m accepting it’s ED.

ED has gotten my body to such an emaciated state and my brain to such a slowed functioning, clients picked up on it. They got scared for me so much so it impacted their ability to therapeutically heal with me as their therapist. Therefore, I was removed from groups. And because I am not getting the client training I need even more desperately than my colleagues because I come from an Animal Science background, my field doesn’t know if they can pass me this semester. If I don’t pass this semester, I fail this year, lose my assistantship, and thus my chance at getting a Master’s. One of the exact things I said would never happened. The exact thing I tried to protect from happening. Getting this Master’s is my dream…and I WILL NOT lose it. I refuse.

So I am done. No more excuses. No more reasons why I can miserably function while not fully fighting my ED. Or reasons I can put off the weight gain that has to happen. I’m done. I’m over this. I want to be free and I NEED ED to go. And I can’t do it the “easy way.” I can’t hide away in treatment, escape life, and escape the eyes of others; gain the weight; and come out able to pretend to be magically better while still going crazy inside. That’s not an option because again I lose assistantship and Master’s.

Nope, I got to do it the hard way. With everyone watching, with life happening, making my own daily choice to fight. That’s my reality. This is where my ED has gotten me. Either I do this outpatient, or I lose my dream and my will to fight.

So it’s time. I’ve beyond crashed through my rock bottom. I was never scared of dying from ED, but was always scared of losing my dream. Now that just might happen and I refuse to let it.

So am I still scared? Was ED still screaming as I chose to sit down instead of pace. Were tears and

fear still welling up as I chose to slather PB on my bagel. Yes. Yes…that was still happening. Nothing was easier. But tonight, I let things be terrifying, scary, and feel overwhelming. I let myself feel the tantalizing fear that all of this food was too much and I would get too fat….and I did the right thing anyway. Because that’s recovery. Recovery isn’t easy and it isn’t pretty, but it’s a heck of a lot better than the misery of ED and it’s a Hell of a lot better than losing the dream I so desperately desire.

So please, learn from me. Stop now. Stop before those things ED hasn’t taken from you get snatched from you. Look at that list you made. You want me to give you the list of the reasons you need to fight ED NOW. Not tomorrow, not next meal, not even the next second but RIGHT NOW. IT’s right there in your hands. I mean what are you waiting for. Are you waiting to lose those things. Please, for my sake, for your sake….don’t let it get there. Learn from me. Let my loss be a lesson..and Fight. You can do this. You will do this. I just hope it won’t be when it’s too late. Because once everything on your list is gone, the sad reality is…you will be the next thing ED takes.

WE can do this. Feel free to email me if you need more support. For me, the next concrete steps are adding back the two exchanges I need to get back on my full meal plan and to force myself to eat earlier in the day, even if it is just with one snack to start. We CAN and we WILL do this. 

I love you all,

Jess

Nov 9th: Journey Begins

Nov 9, 2015

            Today I got some devastating news. I had to face the fact my ED is costing me my dream. I found out during the week I was gone for the conference, my supervisor asked for the groups reflections on me as a co-therapist. Come to find out they felt I was judgmental of them and worried about me because of my frail nature. They felt I was one person when Andy was in the room and another when I was alone. This is true, because alone I was more scared to mess up, be seen as a fake, and somehow my disorder come to light.

            My instructor decided it best to pull me out of groups and put me in administration for now. This broke my heart and my spirit. To realize this disorder and my fear of gaining weight could now be robbing me of the potential to accomplish my dream of becoming a therapist…I just I can’t let it happen.

            I am scared but have decided to use this as motivation to get better. Heck, with the anniversary of dad’s death a week from Friday maybe it’s the perfect honor to him. All I know is something has to change. I am terrified to gain weight, but am even more terrified to let this disorder rob me of my dream.

            There is a lot stirring through my head. Can I recover outpatient? What will people think as I gain? If I had to take time off I would lose my assistantship and couldn’t finish my education, but if I keep on at frail weight I can’t get training I need actually doing therapy.

            I have never failed at anything in my life and now feel ED is making me fail. I have become someone who struggles. Someone who people worry about. I have lost my ability and strength others once saw.

            I want Jess back. I want back the girl who people laughed around. I want back the girl who had a zest for life. I want back the girl who lived so freely, nothing and no one could hold her back. Who explored her passions. Who spent time with others. The girl others knew they could always count on and who was seen as the top star. The girl who others didn’t have to worry about. Who teachers and professionals would say: “Out of everyone here, I know I don’t have to worry about you.” I want her back. I want to be able to make my own decisions, not have others hesitancies about me make the decisions for me. I want me back. I want to be free.

            So I am terrified but it’s time. I need to decide whether I let thin hold me back, or whether I let this misery come to an end and fight. Only I can decide. And tonight I choose to be free. One day at a time. Let the journey begin.

Jess