Dec 6th The Binge on Freedom
Well one of the things I worst fear happened tonight. I was putting away groceries and a roll fell down from my bread area and all the sudden I wanted to shove it in my mouth. I had only had ½ cup fiber one so far because of my fear of day eating and all I wanted was to shove the forbidden roll in my mouth. Followed by tortillas, bagels…bread of any and every kind. Maybe even a cupcake too, or cookies. I just really, truly wanted to binge.
Usually this terrifies me. It makes me want to restrict even more, but tonight….was a different perspective. I longed for the freedom it would take to allow myself to binge. I felt the guilty pride and excitement I would feel being able to just let go. Just eat. Everything I wanted. I even started to wonder in my mind if I could not eat for a few days just for the chance to be able to. I won’t, but the desire was there. And I know why.
Because I so want to be free. I want to be able to not measure and weigh all my food. I want to fully trust exchanges, not put some calorie cap on them. I want to eat whatever, build meals like I used to love to dream of doing in inpatient. I want to be able to eat whatever fruit or veggie I want. I just want to be free.
And that’s what a binge would be. It would break every single ED rule and being unashamed,uncontrolled eating. I think mostly I’d want to do it just to see if I could eat anything I wanted and not gain. Of course, I realize binging isn’t a good way to do that. Its just going back to the ED that started it all. But at least binge eating disorder felt more free. Because in my binges I felt this unabandoned freedom where I could eat whatever I wanted and no one, not even myself, could stop me. I felt so free.
Now I feel so trapped. Food has been robbed of its pleasure and is just something I must measure and control because I am undeserving. I have become but a slave to food. Everything must be weighed, measured, and carefully planned. And I hate it.
And the frustrating part is I am the only one making me do this. I am the only one requiring everything to be weighed. I am the only one selecting the same foods every day. I am the only one forcing myself to see how long I can go without food. And I am the only one who can set me free.
Everyone else would love me to just eat freely. To not weigh food, just measure it. To trust exchanges over calories. To be able to eat out with them, or just eat with them period. Heck, my nutritionist may even say it would be a good thing if I let myself binge. But it’s me that’s holding me back….and when you are your worst enemy getting better seems impossible.
I’m not asking myself to change dramatically either. I just want simple things. To eat a roll as 2 starches even though high calorie and low fiber. To eat a whole banana as a fruit. To eat an apple without cutting it so small. To tae what my nutritionist says as truth and act on it.
Right now I am motivated to do so, and I think right now I will plan tomorrow to be my test run day of freedom. This means:
· If I weigh fruit, no matter weight eat it at that size as one fruit
· To allow myself FULL portions if I weigh things out
· To eat what I want to fit exchanges
· To make a list of foods I would love to reincorporate
Here’s to freedom….and to use the same restriction I use to obey ED to instead starve him of his power. God is stronger, I am stronger, and I will recover.