Nov 12th, 2015
I hope what has happened to me today and the realization I made will help someone else, which is why I am posting it here. Why I am being so raw, so vulnerable, and so revealing. So here goes.
I want you to make a list right now of all the things you use as excuses to keep ED by saying….”well yeah, ED took that, but this I can still do.” For example, see my ED isn’t bad because I still make good grades. Or my ED isn’t bad because I still have a good job. Go ahead, make the list. We all have them or we wouldn’t have ED.
Okay, you got it? Now want to see the list of the next things ED is going to rob you off…it’s right there in your hands. I promise you….anything you say your ED isn’t going to take from you. Or that you won’t let it get bad enough to impact…is exactly what you are about to lose.
I always said my ED wasn’t bad, despite how thin I got, because I was still an amazing worker. Then I lost a waitressing job because of how thin I was and because I couldn’t lift trays. But I blamed the manager.
Then I said ED was fine because I still could function physically. Then I started to fall asleep in class and while driving because I wasn’t eating during the day. But I blamed my busy day schedule and drank energy drinks.
Then I said ED wasn’t bad because my school grades were still fine. Well the exhaustion made me be late for classes. I started procrastinating. And today, I found out I might not graduate. I’ve tried blaming everything else, but tonight…I’m accepting it’s ED.
ED has gotten my body to such an emaciated state and my brain to such a slowed functioning, clients picked up on it. They got scared for me so much so it impacted their ability to therapeutically heal with me as their therapist. Therefore, I was removed from groups. And because I am not getting the client training I need even more desperately than my colleagues because I come from an Animal Science background, my field doesn’t know if they can pass me this semester. If I don’t pass this semester, I fail this year, lose my assistantship, and thus my chance at getting a Master’s. One of the exact things I said would never happened. The exact thing I tried to protect from happening. Getting this Master’s is my dream…and I WILL NOT lose it. I refuse.
So I am done. No more excuses. No more reasons why I can miserably function while not fully fighting my ED. Or reasons I can put off the weight gain that has to happen. I’m done. I’m over this. I want to be free and I NEED ED to go. And I can’t do it the “easy way.” I can’t hide away in treatment, escape life, and escape the eyes of others; gain the weight; and come out able to pretend to be magically better while still going crazy inside. That’s not an option because again I lose assistantship and Master’s.
Nope, I got to do it the hard way. With everyone watching, with life happening, making my own daily choice to fight. That’s my reality. This is where my ED has gotten me. Either I do this outpatient, or I lose my dream and my will to fight.
So it’s time. I’ve beyond crashed through my rock bottom. I was never scared of dying from ED, but was always scared of losing my dream. Now that just might happen and I refuse to let it.
So am I still scared? Was ED still screaming as I chose to sit down instead of pace. Were tears andfear still welling up as I chose to slather PB on my bagel. Yes. Yes…that was still happening. Nothing was easier. But tonight, I let things be terrifying, scary, and feel overwhelming. I let myself feel the tantalizing fear that all of this food was too much and I would get too fat….and I did the right thing anyway. Because that’s recovery. Recovery isn’t easy and it isn’t pretty, but it’s a heck of a lot better than the misery of ED and it’s a Hell of a lot better than losing the dream I so desperately desire.
So please, learn from me. Stop now. Stop before those things ED hasn’t taken from you get snatched from you. Look at that list you made. You want me to give you the list of the reasons you need to fight ED NOW. Not tomorrow, not next meal, not even the next second but RIGHT NOW. IT’s right there in your hands. I mean what are you waiting for. Are you waiting to lose those things. Please, for my sake, for your sake….don’t let it get there. Learn from me. Let my loss be a lesson..and Fight. You can do this. You will do this. I just hope it won’t be when it’s too late. Because once everything on your list is gone, the sad reality is…you will be the next thing ED takes.
WE can do this. Feel free to email me if you need more support. For me, the next concrete steps are adding back the two exchanges I need to get back on my full meal plan and to force myself to eat earlier in the day, even if it is just with one snack to start. We CAN and we WILL do this.
I love you all,