Today I got some devastating news. I had to face the fact my ED is costing me my dream. I found out during the week I was gone for the conference, my supervisor asked for the groups reflections on me as a co-therapist. Come to find out they felt I was judgmental of them and worried about me because of my frail nature. They felt I was one person when Andy was in the room and another when I was alone. This is true, because alone I was more scared to mess up, be seen as a fake, and somehow my disorder come to light.
My instructor decided it best to pull me out of groups and put me in administration for now. This broke my heart and my spirit. To realize this disorder and my fear of gaining weight could now be robbing me of the potential to accomplish my dream of becoming a therapist…I just I can’t let it happen.
I am scared but have decided to use this as motivation to get better. Heck, with the anniversary of dad’s death a week from Friday maybe it’s the perfect honor to him. All I know is something has to change. I am terrified to gain weight, but am even more terrified to let this disorder rob me of my dream.
There is a lot stirring through my head. Can I recover outpatient? What will people think as I gain? If I had to take time off I would lose my assistantship and couldn’t finish my education, but if I keep on at frail weight I can’t get training I need actually doing therapy.
I have never failed at anything in my life and now feel ED is making me fail. I have become someone who struggles. Someone who people worry about. I have lost my ability and strength others once saw.
I want Jess back. I want back the girl who people laughed around. I want back the girl who had a zest for life. I want back the girl who lived so freely, nothing and no one could hold her back. Who explored her passions. Who spent time with others. The girl others knew they could always count on and who was seen as the top star. The girl who others didn’t have to worry about. Who teachers and professionals would say: “Out of everyone here, I know I don’t have to worry about you.” I want her back. I want to be able to make my own decisions, not have others hesitancies about me make the decisions for me. I want me back. I want to be free.
So I am terrified but it’s time. I need to decide whether I let thin hold me back, or whether I let this misery come to an end and fight. Only I can decide. And tonight I choose to be free. One day at a time. Let the journey begin.