Well today found out wouldn’t have survived another day at home and yet STILL don’t feel sick enough. Also put on bed rest and ALSO told liver is getting worse. Then was hit with fact I gained, I am feeling full and disgusting, and I want to restrict. Luckily (or not so luckily according to ED)….I did 100% at bfast so I don’t see any point to now start to restrict because already ate too much. Wish this was more positive, but its just reality. Sorry guys.
Okay, I owe it here to be honest where my mind was at so that you all can know. I intend to restrict at least next 4 if not 5 days…maybe longer. Honestly, I realized I haven’t hit my rock bottom and if I keep doing 100% it would just be with the intention to leave here and go back to restricting. Back to losing weight. I think that part of me that actually wants this to stick and to recover is scared if I do that. If I eat, leave, and then come back when have hit rock bottom (ie lost enough weight to feel sick enough), I would die before it would happen. So I think that part of me that wants to survive. That part inside that really wants to recover. That part is the part planning this restricting while here. Because then I won’t die (ie because in hospital setting) and can jump back on board when hit rock bottom and realize enough is enough. Plus it would give me a good almost month under my belt of restricting (1 week in RVI (Dec 19-25), 2 ish week in hospital (Dec 25-Jan 6), one week here by the next 5 days)…plus doubt they let me go more than 5 days here not eating.
Hoping these 5 days will remind me how sick and tired you feel, my vitals will be off, will lose weight, and then will be sicker and at rock bottom I feel better about. Will finally feel sick enough, will have shown them here that I can restrict, will prove to myself still could restrict if wanted (ie, recovery is my choice) but also won’t die. Can’t tell you why I feel such peace about this decision, but I do. And don’t even care I am doing 100% today because of it.
Well finishing last 100% for awhile. Honestly, excited for next 5 days, but not for the restriction, but the end of it. Because if I am being so careful. Willing to get committed to stay here and relapse short-term and safely (ie won’t die because in hospital and will be time limited) then there is a part of me that wants to live and get better. I want to make sure I don’t leave wanting to restrict. Look for more journaling to come over next 5 days to document the lows. Am nervous won’t lose the weight though.