Pathway to Peace

Thursday, January 7, 2016

New Journey: ACUTE Day 1

Jan 7 ACUTE Day One

Was going to write this in my journal, and still might, but it’s such a positive post and thoughts streaming so much, figured make a great first blog entry to new journey.

So due to anorexia finally taking it’s toll, I have moved my treatment to Denver ACUTE in Denver, Colorado to begin refeeding, and today is day one. I am hoping to blog every day as I go through this journey to give insight into the highs and lows of treatment. Did I want to accomplish this outpatient, yes. But honestly right now that is a risk to my life.

Today I met with dietitian and I can say this is the first time in treatment I actually, truly trust her. I mean she laid it to me straight. Was blunt that at 72.6 lbs and BMI 11.4 I really am sick. Also, found out there was a waiting list of 11 people which I jumped ahead of. So all this chatter in my head telling me I don’t deserve to be here, is complete BS.

Then came facing the menus and meals. She was honest that she was starting me on low calories (think I will ask her amount tomorrow), but for me it’s set up as exchanges. What reassured me was actually when she had to add to my exchanges because I was too low in cals. She let me know she is monitoring cals. I guess when she puts it in computer, it calculates my calories for the day. She reassured me she won’t let me go under, but wont let me go over calories either. Everything is very closely monitored because of my condition. Knowing she was actually tracking calories made me feel more free to choose exchanges, and I was shocked as she still had to add more exchanges even though I chose what I truly wanted.

I also had to face the fact everything right now is a fear food. Literally there was not one safe item on the menu. But yet, I am excited about that because she is pushing me to face them, not just go with my typical safe things. And I am being completely open and honest with her.

I will admit ED got to me a bit today. I kind of used the excuse I didn’t have to do 100% today to not do it. But still it was nice to sit with the foods. I was planning to not do 100% tomorrow either because my weight was up today, but then I realized what am I doing? I mean, this is my money I actually spent this time and I am wasting my money if I am sitting here not complying. Plus, if I truly want to see if she is wrong about my body, if I really don’t need all this food, and if I want to see if I can eat and can embrace these foods, I have to just do it. I have to jump in, I have to trust she is right, and I have to just see. Risk being wrong, for chance I may be right.

Plus, hearing testimonies from people that weight gain really is slow here and also hearing from the dietitian my cals are low and weight restoration usually doesn’t happen till closer to 2500 calories, made me feel maybe I could give this a shot. I just finally feel I am somewhere who understands how severe my case is, how terrified of weight gain I am, and is meeting me where I am at.

With that said….I think I may try 100% tomorrow. Or at least until I meet with dietitian, then can vent all my fears to her and let her know I really, really don’t trust this. I also have to be honest that seeing 100% makes me feel like failure and somehow I still have pride in getting away with not eating. I know it’s ED but it’s just so hard.

But at this point, I can’t leave here till I am eating. And I want to go home, not residential after this (plus don’t have the money for that) and only way to prove that is possible is to eat 100%. And I really do trust the dietitian and think she will tell me if I start to have crazy rapid weight gain. Okay…wish me luck tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow will do 100% for my mom (her last day here) and for early b-day gift for dad (his b-day would be a week from tomorrow), and maybe a little for me….and the future I want. Wish me luck. Guess one day can’t hurt.

Oh and one other thought having that is helping me. If I gain this little bit of weight, and really can’t stand it, and go home…then if I am honest I know how to lose it. It wouldn’t be that hard. I can always go back to what I was doing. But right now, here, supported at ACUTE….its my only shot to trying something different. My only shot to see another life, and if my worst fears come true….then I can lose the weight. But what if they don’t, what if I see weight gain okay, recovery okay…and I don’t want to lose the weight. That is my one shot at freedom. I think that one shot is worth the risk of hating the weight gain and having to restrict and lose it. I can risk a little weight for a chance to be free (plus most people I hear only gain like 6 lbs here…2lbs a week).

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