Pathway to Peace

Thursday, January 14, 2016

Jan 14 Day 8

Well thanks to the pain I have felt with every other meal I am getting a tube tomorrow. So there we go. I am sick enough. And now terrified. All this because my GI system is shut down. Not because my weight. Not because I refused food. But because I am literally that sick. So tomorrow…on my dad’s bday when I should be celebrating, I will be getting a feeding tube. If that isn’t hitting your rock bottom I don’t know what is. I just hope I can look back on this on the hard days and remember why I want to fight. At least that will honor him.

But this is the sick price of anorexia. IT will tell you aren't sick enough, keep you off of machines...and then out of nowhere either kill you or take you to your sick enough. To your rock bottom. And once you are will be begging you hadn't waited so long. So if you are out there wondering if you should fight please do. Because I thought I wasn't sick enough till I got a tube. And now I am getting a tube and I am terrified. Beyond terrified. Scared of the rapid weight gain I think will happen even though same calories. Scared of the pain. Scared when they will take it out. Just scared. 

And the last thing I am is proud. I am just saddened. This is how I celebrate my dad's b-day. Through a feeding tube. Not though a freedom food...because now ED even robbed me of that opportunity. But through a feeding tube to nourish me to the point I can eat food again. That is rock bottom...and something's gotta give. For my dad. For God. And For me. 

No comments:

Post a Comment