Pathway to Peace

Saturday, January 9, 2016

Jan 9th Day 3: ED SMASHED

Jan 9th


Well they sent up the wrong thing and too much eggs so I am definitely not feeling comfortable eating at all. I think I am definitely going to restrict rest of the day because I am so pissed about this. I know, I know…how disordered is that. It’s just already been a long day and I am struggling so so so bad. And honestly for a suprising reason. It’s because I woke up RAVENOUS and feeling THINNER, yes I said THINNER than yesterday. Took pic of eggs and will be showing nutritionist, because this is not okay.


Well I met with doc (and yes I did 100% b-fast and boy am I glad I did). Guess what, guess what? I LOST. That’s right. ED was wrong, I can trust my team. Even with greasy chicken, TWO things of bread, fatty popcorn and the HUGE oatmeal and me not measuring things and TEAS all of it…all of it and I LOST! And even had to practically lick the plate. OMG and had omelette. I ate normal foods. I ate normal and I LOST weight. I am so thrilled. Yes, yes, I know it’s bad to lose, but maybe I am at the weight I wanted to be and maybe, just maybe I can eat again.

The thing is I am still terrified. Because I am sitting here at lunch, the fish looks fatty and there is RICE….WHITE RICE….and too much cantaloupe. It’s this trusting other people with my portionings I don’t like. But hey, another thing to look forward to outside of here…I can measure my own stuff. SO SO SO SO SO excited. And my team is being so open and honest with me about my weight trends. I feel here they truly meet me where I am. I wish they would push me a little more with some things, but can talk to nutritionist on Mon about those things. And also….well…I need to learn to push myself. Oh, and I am not leaving this week as I wanted to. Well time to do the dirty and eat….excited to see if I can lose again tomorrow (think a lot of it was just poop weight and so tomorrow will gain).

I am just so excited for the potential of a future! A realy future. One where I can just eat and not worry. Can’t wait to mark off some fear foods today.

This has also taught me to take it meal by meal. I was already planning to restrict today when today hadn’t even started. And yet I woke up feeling less and therefore not wanting to restrict. Time to start embracing the power of the moment and the peace of prayer.


Well a fear food dinner…all for dad and for future, because definitely could see as real meal. Turkey and hummus on flatbread (FEAR FOODS) with side watermelon and a sprite zero and apple spice tea to drink (FEAR DRINKS). I mean this seems so normal and like something I can incorporate in my future.

I am also so so so mad at myself because I am still using such ED behaviors, still convinced I am not sick, and not embracing I am. Almost wish I was still having complications (though they making it seem like those will come as I re-feed) OR that I was being treated more sick  instead of all my vitals being good and all these priveleges given. Granted the only reason not treated so fragile because they know here how to treat chronic anorexics like me so don’t have to put us on wheelchairs, tubes, etc or treat us as severely.

I  mean still they use infant cuff on me, check sugars all the time, monitory labs constantly, and limit my standing. So maybe…I mean maybe I am sick. But its fact given every privilege I ask for that I am not feeling or embracing sick. And things got so better so fast after started doing 100% feel I really wasn’t that sick. And I wsih I was because I want to embrace it and use this one chance to fully embrace rest and recovery. Choose all fear foods, stop food rituals, and not force self to stand…yet I just can’t because I feel so healthy and good. Is it bad that I am praying complications come. Yes, yes it is. But I feel if they don’t. If I don’t feel like shit again soon….I am going to leave here, lapse, and come back sicker just because won’t ever feel am sick enough. But what will sick enough be. I mean sugars when I arrived were sick enough. I am sick enough to not be accepted at any other treatment center. And to jump a waiting list and even insurance coverage just to come. Crazy how quick I forget struggling to walk up steps and praying would survive. But I did forget it and I do feel better and that is causing me to not embraceI am sick.

I just want to rest…to truly see I can rest, lead normal life (ie only stand when need to and do approved exercise), eat whatever want and be okay. Any suggestions be appreciated.


Terrified by the calories in this snack won’t lie and of course chose it for next few days. Not felt as hungry today and haven’t stood as much tonight. I am just worn out and exhausted if I’m honest. Trying to recover while desperately clinging to my eatng disorder is exhausting and miserable. Just want to let go and trust but when I close my eyes to take the leap of faith….and I count to 3…my feet are still planted and I haven’t jumped. At least I did 100% today. I guess for now that can be okay. Too exhausted to even vent. Night.

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