Pathway to Peace

Friday, January 8, 2016

Jan 8th DAY 2 ACUTE (first day 100%)

Jan 8th ACUTE DAY 2

Promised nutritionist to trust her through this weekend. No, didn’t wake up feeling this way, but after feeling like crap again today, realizing mom leaves tomorrow….I have to get better and I have to get home. That only comes through 100%. That only comes through learning to recover here, so I can do it at home. That only comes through doing enough work here that I don’t need residential. That only comes through trust. So for me, for recovery, and for my family, I am giving it this weekend.

People are right, right now I can’t recover at home, but I can learn how to here. Otherwise, another 3 month span without family, without friends, without freedom. Or I learn, I trust, and I do it at home. But I have to fully embrace and commit.

And yes, that may come with uneasy weight gain, but again….I need it and if I can’t do it here, I can’t do it outside of here either. And I have to do it. I have to get home.

Snack time

Well was feeling good, confident….was even hungry for lunch and snack. And lunch didn’t seem as overwhelming….just egg white omeltte, one slice toast, and cantaloupe. Plus was excited for mom to visit…then came snack. Ordered plain popcorn thinking be safe…then saw damn nutrition facts….160 calories, 12g fat. What am I stupid. Well will do 100% today, but not so sure about commitment to nutritionist for this weekend. May be rescending that. Plus found out insurance won’t be covering at 100%,  just at 80/20%.

Well did 100%, not happy but realized I can just go back restricting tomorrow, but at this point ate way too many cals to turn back. Then again, told nutritionist till Monday….and could see if I gain (she is saying I won’t) just sucks have to wait till Mon, but then can always go back to restricting right? I don’t know guys, I don’t know, but at least today can fake it. And no one here will know. Plus promised a good friend and my mom….but would like insight…give weekend? Or just go back restricting and try again Mon.


Well just reassurance to people that the anxiety will pass. I decided can just ask doc about weight tomorrow. Doing 100% today to try. Plus they accidentally sent me TWO caffeinated drinks and dinner looks healthy and normal. Grilled chciekn, watermelon, saltine crackers, bun. Okay okay it was essentially a sandwich, but I don’t eat it like that.  AND they forgot my lettuce and tomato slices. But idk this reminds me of what dad would make on nice summers day, or what mom and I may have one day sitting outside rocking on porch. I am going to ask if they will let me journal during meals. That would be very helpful for me and be what I will be doing at home. Love you all.

Amazing how tides turn again. Word to the wise….NEVER admit (unless life-threatening or emergency or no choice as in my case) so close to the weekend. Not smart to eat 100% the day before there is no nutritionist there to reassure you the next day you didn’t gain exorbitant amount of weight as is now my fear. But maybe I will wake up different. ALSO had to choose meal plan for whole entire weekend today and would choose different now that know the calorie counts on crap. Well learned lesson and looking up calorie counts on all the snacks tonight. Anyway, in the meantime having to finish 100% tonight which SUCKS! I mean partly no, but partly yes.Not only that but vitals already better, saw really sick girl in hallway who had feeding tube (I never have needed one…..well never accepted one so makes me feel not sick or deserving enough). Anyway, here is where this leaves me.

I figure can go back to fasting tomorrow. Problem is, nutritionist has me on really big breakfast now, so if I eat bfast it means I’m screwed when comes to restricting (ie have to do very low that night). So feel cornered and trapped and like I have to make the decision tonight. To restrict or not to restrict tomorrow, because can’t do b-fast and get good restriction in (if find out after b-fast I have gained tons of weight after 100%), but also can’t skip b-fast and get 100% tomorrow. So either I start out failing my ED (yes I realize this is better option recovery wise) or failing at recovery. I don’t know, writing it out I think I am going to have to just suck it up, do b-fast, wait for doc, and restrict rest of day. Would probably also help with blood sugars so don’t have surprise juice in day.

See, had I admitted earlier in the week would have dietitian here to support me tomorrow, of course guess the weekend and the uncertainty would still come. Plus would still get increase on the weekend. I mean my dietitian really, really doesn’t think I am going to gain on this low intake, but I really, really think (and know) I am and I don’t want to wait till Mon to fast again because then treatment team can intervene and do tube. I don’t know I am so confused and so scared. So I guess..I guess all I can do is ask for support and prayer. Especially if you have ever been at ACUTE and have experience with the meal plan.

So here is my questions

(1) Is better option just to commit to 100% b-fast and then can still choose to restrict rest of day, or to just restrict at b-fast make it easier throughout day.
(2) Do I give it till Monday and then give self option to go back to restricting (if nutritionist wrong), or go ahead and get my last restriction in this weekend when they can’t shove tube down me (no nutritionist here wouldn’t know), an re-commit Monday.

Here is my other problem…there’s always going to be weekends.  Always going to be times I just have to trust and won’t know what weight did. There is also always going to be mornings. Will never see dietitian before b-fast so I am either always going to have to restrict b-fast (ie never comply) OR I am going to need to start always doing 100% b-fast and making other decisions later (ie take one meal at a time).

Also, if I get so desperate to know weight….and start to try and force team to tell me my weight or trends…won’t they be less likely to do it? I mean because if it’s just going to cause me to restrict any time they say it went up, then they might get less likely to tell me. It’s like the saying goes….you win more flies with honey than vinegar. I mean I am more likely to get doc to tell me weight trend if I start by saying…."Look I was terrified, but I did b-fast. I complied, I just need to know what’s going on or I really don’t think I can keep it up. I just need reassurance right now” Instead of “Look I restricted this morning because you wouldn’t get in here and tell me my weight didn’t balloon. So next time get here quicker just for me and ED.”

Okay I think I talked…well typed myself into right thinking. I think will try at least to do b-fast and can change it rest of day. Thanks everyone, would still like your insight though.

P.S. Plus wouldn't it be better to be able to come on here Monday saying, I faced my fear guys. I faced it for all of you. I gave food, gave recovery, gave freedom a chance and didn't balloon, than to come on here tomorrow saying...well I proved everyone right and went back to ED? 

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