Nov 2nd: Own Worst Enemy

Nov 2, 2015

Well put on my big girl panties today. Realized I am letting my selfish desire to be right and passively aggressively hurt others hurt me. Case in point, meal timing.

See, I don’ like feeing like I am bullied into a situation, but I almost make people do it. I find something that irks them and self-sabotage myself into doing it. Current roommates. I know they hate that I eat late and yet I keep eating later and later. I realized today it’s a subconscious way I like to show myself I still have control. By doing something that hurts someone else, getting them mad at me, then refusing to change it I feel I somehow have power. They can’t hurt me or force me to do anything. But in the end, I just hurt myself. They go on living and I go on in misery with maladaptive behaviors I don’t like and with people mad at me. So in the end, I have no control and am just miserable.

Accepting my responsibility in this and realizing it’s okay and understandable I do it given my trauma history, I now see I am the only one who can change it. If I fix my meal timing will my current roommates, despite how mean they are, get their way. Yes. Does that piss me off? Heck yes. But will I also be happier…yes. And in the end that needs to be more important. It’s hard to put me first especially if an enemy benefits, but in the end right now they are getting their way making me miserable. And so what if they feel they forced me to do it. So what if they feel victorious. In the end, I will know it was my conscious choice and desire to better my life that led to the change.

So I think it’s time I take the focus off of them and them getting their way (which just makes me not want to change it) and realize my team, family, friends are all right too. The timing issue is at the root of a lot of my problems. So while eating earlier scares me, it’s also the thing I need to change most. Yes. I can try and blame work, school, stress…whatever I want for my misery, but it’s really timing. Let’s see:

1. I want to get more sleep. Fix timing can get to bed earlier and sleep more.
2. I want to be more active. Fix timing and will be up earlier so could go to gym or on walk in the morning.
3. I want to do better in classes and get back to the person I was before who was ahead on assignments. I am more focused in morning than at night. If up earlier can work on items and with more sleep will have more energy and focus to work ahead.
4. I want to be more social. Most people aren’t up at the wee hours of the morning. They are sleeping. If I am sleeping too, and am up and done with work because I worked ahead and not stressing about needing to shove everything in at night I will be able to go and do things with people.
5. I want people, including myself, to see me as “normal.” If eating earlier will be more normal and feel more normal.
6.   I want a happier living space. If roomates get way then will be happier and leave me alone.
7. Want to be back to nice, organized, clean self. If up earlier can actually clean because wont be late and disturbing people.
8. Want to have faster metabolism. Spreading meals out will help fuel and speed up my metabolism.
9. Want to enjoy food again…though it scares me. Eating earlier and more spread apart I can take my time. Though this may cause me to have to face how I really am still hungry, that my meal plan is small, and perhaps some behaviors I have, it will also help me enjoy meals again.
10.  I want to be happy. As seen above this eating late makes me miserable.

So it’s time I suck it up, put my big girl panties on, stop trying to be right, and stand up for myself. Will my mean roommmates get their way, yes they will. But I will be happier if they are happier. And heck, when Jesus was crucified the Romans got their way….but three days later a whole world of believers were set free and God had victory. So if my roommmates have to feel they “won” for me to be free….so be it. Here comes victory!