Jan 9th
B-fast
Well they sent up the wrong thing and too much eggs so I am
definitely not feeling comfortable eating at all. I think I am definitely going
to restrict rest of the day because I am so pissed about this. I know, I
know…how disordered is that. It’s just already been a long day and I am
struggling so so so bad. And honestly for a suprising reason. It’s because I
woke up RAVENOUS and feeling THINNER, yes I said THINNER than yesterday. Took
pic of eggs and will be showing nutritionist, because this is not okay.
Lunch
Well I met with doc (and yes I did 100% b-fast and boy am I
glad I did). Guess what, guess what? I LOST. That’s right. ED was wrong, I can
trust my team. Even with greasy chicken, TWO things of bread, fatty popcorn and
the HUGE oatmeal and me not measuring things and TEAS all of it…all of it and I
LOST! And even had to practically lick the plate. OMG and had omelette. I ate
normal foods. I ate normal and I LOST weight. I am so thrilled. Yes, yes, I know
it’s bad to lose, but maybe I am at the weight I wanted to be and maybe, just
maybe I can eat again.
The thing is I am still terrified. Because I am sitting here
at lunch, the fish looks fatty and there is RICE….WHITE RICE….and too much
cantaloupe. It’s this trusting other people with my portionings I don’t like.
But hey, another thing to look forward to outside of here…I can measure my own
stuff. SO SO SO SO SO excited. And my team is being so open and honest with me
about my weight trends. I feel here they truly meet me where I am. I wish they
would push me a little more with some things, but can talk to nutritionist on
Mon about those things. And also….well…I need to learn to push myself. Oh, and
I am not leaving this week as I wanted to. Well time to do the dirty and
eat….excited to see if I can lose again tomorrow (think a lot of it was just
poop weight and so tomorrow will gain).
I am just so excited for the potential of a future! A realy
future. One where I can just eat and not worry. Can’t wait to mark off some
fear foods today.
This has also taught me to take it meal by meal. I was
already planning to restrict today when today hadn’t even started. And yet I
woke up feeling less and therefore not wanting to restrict. Time to start
embracing the power of the moment and the peace of prayer.
Dinner
Well a fear food dinner…all for dad and for future, because
definitely could see as real meal. Turkey and hummus on flatbread (FEAR FOODS)
with side watermelon and a sprite zero and apple spice tea to drink (FEAR
DRINKS). I mean this seems so normal and like something I can incorporate in my
future.
I am also so so so mad at myself because I am still using
such ED behaviors, still convinced I am not sick, and not embracing I am.
Almost wish I was still having complications (though they making it seem like
those will come as I re-feed) OR that I was being treated more sick instead of all my vitals being good and all
these priveleges given. Granted the only reason not treated so fragile because
they know here how to treat chronic anorexics like me so don’t have to put us
on wheelchairs, tubes, etc or treat us as severely.
I mean still they use
infant cuff on me, check sugars all the time, monitory labs constantly, and
limit my standing. So maybe…I mean maybe I am sick. But its fact given every
privilege I ask for that I am not feeling or embracing sick. And things got so
better so fast after started doing 100% feel I really wasn’t that sick. And I
wsih I was because I want to embrace it and use this one chance to fully
embrace rest and recovery. Choose all fear foods, stop food rituals, and not
force self to stand…yet I just can’t because I feel so healthy and good. Is it
bad that I am praying complications come. Yes, yes it is. But I feel if they don’t.
If I don’t feel like shit again soon….I am going to leave here, lapse, and come
back sicker just because won’t ever feel am sick enough. But what will sick
enough be. I mean sugars when I arrived were sick enough. I am sick enough to
not be accepted at any other treatment center. And to jump a waiting list and
even insurance coverage just to come. Crazy how quick I forget struggling to
walk up steps and praying would survive. But I did forget it and I do feel better
and that is causing me to not embraceI am sick.
I just want to rest…to truly see I can rest, lead normal
life (ie only stand when need to and do approved exercise), eat whatever want
and be okay. Any suggestions be appreciated.
Snack
Terrified by the calories in this snack won’t lie and of
course chose it for next few days. Not felt as hungry today and haven’t stood
as much tonight. I am just worn out and exhausted if I’m honest. Trying to
recover while desperately clinging to my eatng disorder is exhausting and
miserable. Just want to let go and trust but when I close my eyes to take the
leap of faith….and I count to 3…my feet are still planted and I haven’t jumped.
At least I did 100% today. I guess for now that can be okay. Too exhausted to
even vent. Night.
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